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Legitimate existence and chickens

October 29, 2011

After 4 months of happily being out of the country, blissfully flitting around in other peoples lives and tragedies, rejoicing in the shitty problems of other countries and cultures, I am now back, at home,  attempting to face up to what is technically, for me at least, The Real World. It is deflating. The sad fact of the matter is that I can’t run away and be on holiday for ever, and have to accept sooner or later that I am in life for the long haul, and must have complicated, long term relationships with people, and have to exist specifically somewhere for the long term, that specific place being New Zealand, and that specific place happening to have shitty and abundantly complicated problems just like anywhere else in the world, and, just like everywhere else in the world, shitty and abundantly complicated problems that are not easy to fix

At the tender age of 18 and 11/12, and nearly a year after being churned and spit out of school I guess I could probably be considered (even though my mother doesn’t think so) an adult, one with the ominous task of now Making Something Of Myself, becoming Successful, and Achieving My Dreams. I must go to university, get a job , then a career, and a car and a house and a marriage and buy Stuff.And the problem is , that I really couldn’t care less about any of those things. Life is a kadrillion times more beautiful, and besides, aside from being hideously boring, the Being Successful parade seems, in the light of the situation of the world as a whole just a little bit selfish, not to mention stupid and soul destroying. In fact, I think, if I ever manage to be successful by the typical standards of society, I will probably have betrayed everything that I believe in. If success means fitting into a culture that is destroying the lives of people, and the planet, idiotically committing murder and suicide on a grand scale, while most of the people around you have nothing, then I don’t really think I want to be successful.  Not suprisingly, I never really found school career advice that helpful.

The 2 things that I perhaps would like to be mildly successful in are, 1) being a real human being,and 2) fixing the worlds shitty and abundantly complicated problems. While possibly, with a lot of help,I have a marginally acceptable shot at achieving the first one, there is not a single chance that I will achieve the second one The world has a lot of very complicated problems, with muddly and unclear solutions and I am not even going to come close to fixing half of them, or a quarter of them, or 5% of them or even 0.5% . That’s not to say that trying is a waste of time, It quite thoroughly is not, but fixing the world is not particularly achievable, nor is it quantifiable ( which is of course what matters) and nor is it particularly permanent

Unfortunately however no one is going to employ me to be a real human being, or to destroy capitalism or stick it to the man,, and also, doing the above things is sadly not going to get me a second four wheel drive or a hideously boring house in the suburbs with an easy care garden.

So it seems like I’m bound to be something of a failure, through whomevers eyes you look.

Which brings me to the question: How on earth can I exist legitimately in society as it is without hating myself? If anyone has a good answer I would love to hear it, however I have been thinking a lot about this over the last week, and I have decided that it is simply not possible.

And actually, I think that’s okay. Further more I have decided that I don’t particularly want to be legitimate. I think on the whole, Society is mostly pretty undeserving of my respect and interest in it’s opinions of me. I have decided instead that my hopes and dreams are to be a gloriously unsuccessful but real human being,with chickens, and home made jam and friends and potatoes, and I don’t really mind whether that’s considered a legitimate career option or not.

I guess I could redefine success, but that to be honest, just sounds like a clichéd ad for mascara.


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